NASCAR Math

As the NASCAR season starts again, I felt it was important that I put in my two cents on the subject. One of the things I like most about NASCAR is naming of signature moves based on the driver it most exemplifies.

For instance, what had been known as the 'bump-n-run' will forever be known as 'the Earnhardt'.

When a driver really, really, really, really extends their fuel mileage, they are pulling a ‘Newman’.

Giving someone the finger is now called flipping someone ‘the Stewart’.

If you’re constantly finishing at least 1 lap down, that’s a ‘Wallace’ (or an Earnhardt Jr).

And last, but not least, if you are constantly changing the rules for no other reason then to piss people off, you're called ‘NASCAR’. I’m not saying any of this is true, fair or even just, that’s the way it is.

Besides drivers being linked to moves, drivers are also linked personality traits. For instance, being an ass is said to be like ... well that was a bad example, because that varies from race to race, but the term 'Young Guns' has been used to describe the drivers still in diapers ... ok, again, not the best thing to say – I meant the young teenagers, etc that are driving – not the 'Seasoned Veterans' (which may also be in diapers).

Then one day I sat down and started thinking (and boy are my arms tired), there is yet another thing that binds drivers together. Their numbers. Although you will find other drivers and other formulas to use, here is my favorite.

((Jimmy Johnson / Kyle Busch) * Tony Stewart) / Jeff Gordon = Dale Earnhardt Jr.

If you look at it from the math point of view you get: ((48/5) * 20) / 24 = 8

Ok, I know, now you are asking your self what this means (go ahead do it, ask yourself, I'll wait)... I don't know, but it looks cool.

That's the way I see it. Sorry you had to read it.

Additional: I was going to say that if you car is running long and hard all day, that’s called a ‘Johnson’, but I wasn’t sure anyone would think that was funny.

St. Valentine's Day Trinity

Back in 2003, I waxed historical about Valentine's Day. I researched its roots and celebrated the romance of the day. Love was ingrained in my soul. I was happy.

By 2005, my views on Valentine's Day had taken a turn for the worse. As love was being forcibly drained from my body I no longer saw anything positive about that day. I created an Anti-Valentine Day Checklist (buy T-shirts and mugs with the checklist in the store) and followed it to the letter.

So here I am in 2006 (and still using “so” to start sentences for some very strange reason) and I've fallen even deeper into the pit of resentment I hold for Valentine's Day. It makes me ill to think there are couples out there who share love and will use this day to by gifts, show there love, and have sex (I still like to believe that humans still do this). I see nothing positive about this day. To commemorate my momentous depression I have taken my Anti-Valentine's Day Checklist and put it on T-shirts (ash grey, black, yellow, green) and coffee mugs for your own enjoyment.

That's the way I see it, sorry you had to read it.

Life is Good (not really)

Today's blog will be different the the blogs of the past year and half. There has been a disturbing pattern developing here at RegisJack.com. So much of the content is depressing, bleak, hopeless, upsetting, and just downright dreary. But today I am going to focus on the positive things in my life. I'm going to blog about the things that make me happy and provide me with a sense of worth.

So here it goes...

...

That's they way I see it, sorry you had to read it.

Happy Fracking New Year

Here is RegisJack.com's 2005 year in review.

I've heard voices that only I can hear (and you will still hear them)
I saw arrows (even with your eyes closed)
Britney did NOT appear pregnant and nude in Playboy (there is still hope)
I got Jack Bauer's number (so did everyone else)
SWCIII (when is SWCIV?)
I've searched for ghosts (in all the wrong places)
I've made some friends (...)
I've played a drum or two (it helps drown out the voices)
Got another year older (your up to 327)
Didn't have sex (only because no female would ever consider it)

It was a year of confusion (a year of conflict)
It was a year of pain (pain is so close to pleasure)
It was a year of depression (but who really cares)
It was a year of torment (that will never change)

I expect 2006 to be no different (It will be different, it will be shorter)

Shot Heard 'Round the Throne

I was seated, bare bottomed and quite uncomfortable, in Julia’s bathroom, when the first shot rang out...

Friend or Foe?

I just happen to agree with Mr. Ant; I want those who get to know me to become admirers or my enemies. I want everything to be crystal clear. No stuck in the middle, with clowns to the left and jokers to the right (thanks Mr. Skynard).

Flip a coin – heads you’re a friend, tails, a foe. Easy, straightforward, no confusion, just plain and simple.

But it's not that easy.

Friend or Foe?
Friend or Lover?
Lover or Assassin?

Will all my friends please take one step forward – not so fast Mr. Jack.

Sometimes someone thinks they are your friend, but they are really your foe. They may have scorned you in the past and now you carry a deep resentment for them, but you just can't (or won't) tell them about it.

Maybe they took your parking space (it was yours because you saw it first) or the last piece of cake at the office party (I can name that movie in 1 note).

Maybe he said you were going to meet George Lucas, but instead ended up leaving you naked in downtown Indianapolis (thanks Jay).

Maybe she said she didn't have herpes and she was correct - it turns out she had chlamydia (it still hurts when I pee).

Maybe you met her at a dance, things went very, very well, and yet she leaves to meet her boyfriend (thanks – I can't even remember her name, but it rhymed with itch).

And other times, someone can be your friend and your foe at the same time.

Maybe she threw her ring at you (the one you gave her) at McDonalds when you were six (I still love you Peppermint Patty).

Maybe she dumped you and asked you out again, then dumped you and asked you out again, over and over for 7 years until you were ready to put a gun to your head (thanks Paula – and yes I still love you – want to go out so you can dump me again? I still have the gun).

Maybe she left you for another girl (thanks – name not disclosed to prevent a lawsuit).

Maybe she died under unpleasant circumstances after dumping you (still looking out for you Loni).

Maybe she... Ok enough of my current love life (or lack thereof).

Suffice it to say, friends become foes and foes become friends in a blink of an eye.

I still want those who get to know me, to become admirers.

Communicate not Enumerate

“I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free. There must be 50 ways to leave your lover,” according to Paul Simon.

For me to be free, I need to express myself, on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. My only form of physical express nowadays is my appearance (both me and my website). For emotional and spiritual expression, I am limited to my words (both written and spoken).

I had something else to say, but not today.

Instead, I'll leave you with another set of lyrics.

“All that I wanted, were things I had before
All that I needed, I've never needed more
All of my questions, are answers to my sins
All of my ending, are waiting to begin” - Slipknot, Circle