2006 - WTF?

As usual, there is no one willing to kiss me as we change to the new year, and as usual, RegisJack.com presents its 2006 year in review.

This year, Regis Jack ceased to be an individual and became the Regis Jack Experience – a non holy trinity that more accurately depicts the bizarre nature of my type of entertainment. It also allows each of them to express their views of 2006, in their own words.

Shane (the father)

• My world became Black, but not as in darkness, as in martial arts.

• My world became Gray, but not as in marital arts, as in my emotional state.

• Realized my place in the world (as insignificant as it is)

• I will use 2007 to keep myself in line and away from the rest of the trinity.

Jackson (the son)

• Attended Dragon*Con for the first time (and not the last time) where I whored myself, met some new friends, helped some friends (one of which I helped carry out of the bar), saw a few breasts (ok, it wasn't just a few) and even talked with a few “stars”.

• 2006 was a big year for my involvement in Heart of An Empire, where I worked as the spiritual adviser to the films director at Dragon*Con, and also got to work on the set during filming (a couple of times).

• Completed my Storm Trooper armor - with the extensive help of Matt – and became TK-2063 of the 501^st (I found it ironic to use a significant year in Star Trek lore to represent myself in the Star Wars universe).

• Also created “Renaissance Trooper” and did an appearance at the Renaissance Festival in Concord, NC.

• I will use 2007 to Troop, attend conventions and be the media whore I was born to be. Oh yes and to finish another book this year.

Regis (the holy spirit)

• I ranted at length about my pain, my vision, my dog (of which I never had one), and even manged to sneak in a little poetry.

• Saw Britney Spears upskirt photos. Those images will be burned in brain forever.

• I look forward to 2007 and whatever pussy it may bring.

Ok, there you have it. 2006 in the eyes of the members of the trinity. As for me (I am the Regis Jack Experience itself), I can't wait to see what comes up next.

Turn Signal or Pedophile?

There is a special place in hell for rapists, pedophiles and people who don't user their turn signal.

When I'm driving, and the car ahead of me turns or switches lanes without using their turn signal, I shout out, “Turn Signal or Pedophile, it's your choice!” Some people are shocked I would even put those two things together, but they are quite similar. For example:

• Using a turn signal is common sense - NOT molesting children – also common sense.

• It's very simple to use a turn signal - also very simple NOT to molest children.

• Using your turn signal shows a sign of respect for others - NOT molesting children shows a sign of respect to others.

• Not using a turn signal leads to angry drivers, near misses and collisions – molesting children leads to angry mobs, jail and being beaten to death (if your lucky).

• It only takes a little bit of brain power to use the turn signal – it only takes very little brain power to NOT molest children.

• Not using a turn signal makes Jesus cry – same goes for molesting children.

Now, I know you smokers won't understand this (that's because smokers can't even figure out what the car's ash tray is for – also we know what smoking symbolizes – that's another blog altogether), but the thinking population (humans) should easily undestand this. One evil leads to another. Marijuana can lead to harder drugs, like cocaine (she don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie), shoplifting can lead to bigger crimes and everyone knows once you kill your first person, the next becomes easier. So, it goes to stand that when you stop using your turn signal, next thing you know you are on the Internet propositioning a 10 year old girl (the fact that she is most likely a 37 year old man is a different blog altogether).

It's not just my opinion, it's scientific fact. Dr. Harvarfanerhufar, in early 2006 did a study of convicted sex offenders and discovered that NONE of them use their turn signal while driving.

Of course everyone will deny this is true and say how absurd it is, but I think you will find that same response from pedophiles when they are confronted – they deny it is true and say how absurd it is – I've seen this on Dateline and on the local news.

So next time your driving, and you see someone NOT using their turn signal, call out, “Turn Signal or Pedophile!” Of course you already know which one they are.

Who Am I?

I was conceived on or about Valentines Day, 1969.
I was born on a Saturday
I was born in the year of the Cock (some Chinese calendars say it's the year of the rooster, but the other is more descriptive)
I am a Scorpio in popular zodiac tradition.
I am a Snake, with my plant being the Thistle in the Native American zodiac.
I was born in the Egyptian month of Tyby, the first month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

My date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 Heshvan 5730.

My birthstone is Citrine, which helps connect with the Spirit, although Jewelers tell me it's Yellow Topaz so they can sell me stuff.

Dragon*Con 2006 - The Report

I've been delaying my report on Dragon*Con this year for a few reasons, none of which I will share with you at this time. I was going to report on the panels I attended, the bands I heard, the costumes I saw, the celebrities I talked with in the bar, and the general party atmosphere over 4 days, 3 nights, 3 hotel conference centers, and various hotel rooms. But instead I'm going to sum up Dragon*Con in a different way

Dragon*Con is for Whores. I don't mean this in a bad way. I'm a whore. That's what I went there to do. I went to party and push my website, t-shirts and books. I gave away buttons with my website logo and business cards left and write. I was a whore for my website. But I'm not the only one. About 95% of the people at Dragon*Con are there to whore themselves or their business.

Every single Dragon*Con attendee is one or more of the following:

• In costume (in your underwear, almost naked or wearing a kilt count)

• A director of a major motion picture

• A director of a soon to be major motion picture

• A directory of photography of a soon to be major motion picture

• A writer

• A “writer/director” of a fan film (and I use all of those terms loosely)

• An artist

• Selling product (books, movies, stuff, pictures of themselves, etc)

• Selling themselves (stars, bands, girls with candy bras, etc)

• Someone wanting to see/buy any of the above (this is only 5% of the people).

And I can't wait to do it again next year.

Oh yes, I almost forgot - Dragon*Con should be called "Breast*Con".

What? Huh?

Recent times have been disorienting.
Lots of things spinning around.
Confusion hits me at every turn.
...

Where was I?

Dragon*Con, Shout Outs

Dragon*Con is over. I have returned, but I have not recovered from the experiences (Imay be hungover for several days). Updates will be posted in here, along with a page of pictures - all will be posted by the end of the week.

I handed out a lot of buttons and cards, if you got any of these and have found your way to this site, please use this Contact Us link or post on the Regis Jack MySpace page.

Iwould like to send his applogies to the girl I met on the 21st floor on Saturday. I did come back to check on you but you were gone. Sorry it took so long for me to return (I blame Jay).

One more thing, if you have a picture of me in some compromising position, I would love to see them and use them for X-mas cards.

Dragon*Con and the Rebirth of RegisJack

It's been quite on the website for a few months. Some people thought that I may have given up, stopped writing, or even committed suicide. Where is the Regis Jack everyone knows and loves?

He was dead. But not anymore.

Regis Jack will be at Dragon@Con this weekend, wearing his kilt, giving away buttons, signing autographs (for the few that may actually care), and displaying a few of the new graphics found on the T-shirts at regisjack.com.

I believe I have create some of the most offensive T-shirts that even hardcore people wouldn't dare wear them. If you haven't seen my line of “Suicide Shirts”, go back to regisjack.com and check out the store. I'm not just saying this to sell shit, it's dare. And if promoting suicide is too much for you, there are some religious items that are basic, but will piss off any Christian you may find.

So as I, Regis Jack, become reborn, I begin writing again, continuing my work on, “Probe of Uranus”, a humorous SciFi novella about a guy who wants to use a time machine to get laid, but ends up as the key to the destruction of the universe. It will have humor, sex, rape, death, time travel, space ships and some scenes that may be too much for a traditional publisher, so you will have to find it on my website.

Ok, enough self promotion, I'll do enough of that at Dragon*Con.

If you see me there, say hi – I'll be easy to spot - not young, bald, denim kilt, flashing lights, lots of buttons attached to give away, painted nails, rosary, and talking a lot to people I don't even know. I won't be the most freaky person there, just freaky enough to get some attention. You will find me anywhere Traci Lords goes, at the nightly drum circles, or otherwise looking to get laid.

So, alas, I must sign off as I head down to Atlanta, Ga for Dragon*Con 2006.

One of the Seven Seals has been Broken

Back in April 2005 (if anyone remembers back that far), I confessed my ultimate dreams about Britney Spears and it seems today one has been realized.

Britney, pregnant, nude (in today's standards), with black hair on the cover and inside of August 2006 Harper's Bazaar magazine. Ok, so it's not nude in Playboy (like Dream #2 states), but the dark hair makes up for it.

So now there are only 2 Britney dreams left – next stop Marilyn Manson.

On The Set Of Heart Of An Empire

This past weekend I had the opportunity to be on the set for some green screen shooting for Heart of An Empire (click the link, check it out). My friend, lets call him “Jay” (his real name) has been working on this documentary for several years and is in the final editing process. This weekend was some green screen work for the intro to the movie. When he called me up and asked if I wanted to help, I was more then glad to do it.

The shoot was pretty cool. In Attendance were:

• Jay (Producer/Director)

• Dave (Asst. Director/Associate Producer) with his 7 year old daughter in tow

• Matt (Marketing)

• Justin (Editor)

• Chris (The Sand Trooper - the star of the shoot)

• Regis Jack (no useful talent)

Although everything did not go perfect – missing cables, dead batteries, video transfer problems, the “star” of the shoot was delayed – it was, in my opinion, a very successful and entertaining shoot. Even though I don't have any experience in making movies (not legitimate ones at least) I did get to do a few odd jobs.

• I walked back and forth in front of the green screen to help test the cameras and equipment before Chris arrived.

• Turned some lights on and off (after appropriate instructions from Jay)

• During the shoot with Chris, I became the prop master. For each take I would look over the Sand Trooper costume and straighten out, reattach or correct anything out of place so that it would look as perfect as possible for each take (and man there were a lot of takes)

• Helped out as Jay needed (if Jay says jump, I say, “What!?”)

I learned a lot that day. I learned that the lights on a movie shoot are hot, hot, hot. No amount of air conditioning can stop the heat. And if it was hot for me, it was much hotter for Chris in side the armor. I also learned not to lick the lens of the camera; Jay wasn't very happy with that.

I also got to hang out in the almost completely unknown offices of Bedford Falls Graphics (Matt's company which does the website for Heart of An Empire - it's in the same building as the studio).

And Matt was filming a Webumentary episode for the website, which contains a brief interview with some of the crew and also me. So check it out on the Heart of An Empire website – it should be published soon (should be episode 11).

The end result of the shoot looked great in the raw footage and will look even better once the background and opening credits are applied.

Overall I had a great time and would gladly do it again. It's strange, I normally I like to be the center of attention, but it was great to be a part of something larger them myself. This isn't something I get paid for (and I don't expect to be) – all I ask is that Jay and Matt make my website link bigger on their “Friends of Heart of An Empire” section of the website each time I help out. After all, I am a media whore.

Look for Heart of An Empire in theaters, hopefully in 2007.

NASCAR Math

As the NASCAR season starts again, I felt it was important that I put in my two cents on the subject. One of the things I like most about NASCAR is naming of signature moves based on the driver it most exemplifies.

For instance, what had been known as the 'bump-n-run' will forever be known as 'the Earnhardt'.

When a driver really, really, really, really extends their fuel mileage, they are pulling a ‘Newman’.

Giving someone the finger is now called flipping someone ‘the Stewart’.

If you’re constantly finishing at least 1 lap down, that’s a ‘Wallace’ (or an Earnhardt Jr).

And last, but not least, if you are constantly changing the rules for no other reason then to piss people off, you're called ‘NASCAR’. I’m not saying any of this is true, fair or even just, that’s the way it is.

Besides drivers being linked to moves, drivers are also linked personality traits. For instance, being an ass is said to be like ... well that was a bad example, because that varies from race to race, but the term 'Young Guns' has been used to describe the drivers still in diapers ... ok, again, not the best thing to say – I meant the young teenagers, etc that are driving – not the 'Seasoned Veterans' (which may also be in diapers).

Then one day I sat down and started thinking (and boy are my arms tired), there is yet another thing that binds drivers together. Their numbers. Although you will find other drivers and other formulas to use, here is my favorite.

((Jimmy Johnson / Kyle Busch) * Tony Stewart) / Jeff Gordon = Dale Earnhardt Jr.

If you look at it from the math point of view you get: ((48/5) * 20) / 24 = 8

Ok, I know, now you are asking your self what this means (go ahead do it, ask yourself, I'll wait)... I don't know, but it looks cool.

That's the way I see it. Sorry you had to read it.

Additional: I was going to say that if you car is running long and hard all day, that’s called a ‘Johnson’, but I wasn’t sure anyone would think that was funny.

St. Valentine's Day Trinity

Back in 2003, I waxed historical about Valentine's Day. I researched its roots and celebrated the romance of the day. Love was ingrained in my soul. I was happy.

By 2005, my views on Valentine's Day had taken a turn for the worse. As love was being forcibly drained from my body I no longer saw anything positive about that day. I created an Anti-Valentine Day Checklist (buy T-shirts and mugs with the checklist in the store) and followed it to the letter.

So here I am in 2006 (and still using “so” to start sentences for some very strange reason) and I've fallen even deeper into the pit of resentment I hold for Valentine's Day. It makes me ill to think there are couples out there who share love and will use this day to by gifts, show there love, and have sex (I still like to believe that humans still do this). I see nothing positive about this day. To commemorate my momentous depression I have taken my Anti-Valentine's Day Checklist and put it on T-shirts (ash grey, black, yellow, green) and coffee mugs for your own enjoyment.

That's the way I see it, sorry you had to read it.

Life is Good (not really)

Today's blog will be different the the blogs of the past year and half. There has been a disturbing pattern developing here at RegisJack.com. So much of the content is depressing, bleak, hopeless, upsetting, and just downright dreary. But today I am going to focus on the positive things in my life. I'm going to blog about the things that make me happy and provide me with a sense of worth.

So here it goes...

...

That's they way I see it, sorry you had to read it.