Serious? Funny? Whatever!

It has taken me quite a few years to figure myself out. And while I won't know everything about me until I finish my biography (and NO ONE wants to read that), I have uncovered clues to my worldly troubles.

I live on the double edge sword of being serious and funny.

There are some people who think I'm serious when I'm being funny. They don't get the joke; they don't understand the punchline; they don't get my humor. Their lack of understanding makes them believe I am serious and not joking. They take offense when they should be laughing. To these people I am an ass.

There are others who cannot take me seriously because I am funny. These people have seen me be serious, but no matter how hard they look, their short sightedness only see me as funny. To these people, I am a clown.

Then there is yet another group that continually flip flop. They fall under both categories and pick and choose at the worst possible times. When I speak to these people, I flip a coin – heads they will think I'm serious – tails, I'm funny. But I'm only allowed to flip the coin AFTER I speak. To these people, I'm an ass clown.

This explains most of my problems in life so far. It explains why I am where am I at right now. It explains why ... well, let's just say I understand.

So when I write, or speak, it all comes out the same. Am I serious? Am I funny? Fuck it, you'll never understand. To you, I'm just whatever.

Leave Me Alone (but Don't Go Away)

I'm really sick and tired (and tired always follows sick) of "friends" giving me positive reinforcement to try to help me out of my soul crushing depression. So just to let everyone know and to set the facts straight:

Things are NEVER going to be all right.
Nothing will make me feel better.
Time will not heal all wounds.
I will not find happiness again.
I will not "hang in there".

And I will never, ever, as God as my witness, find someone else one day. I don't want to find anyone else. I never want to find someone else. I can't even imagine any circumstance in which emotional or physical contact with another human being would be good.

I've had a few friends who have said these things, but have prefaced it with, "I know you think I'm full of shit, but," or, "I know you don't believe me, but." These friends have been through this before and they understand. But I still don't believe any of them. They are full of shit.

Just leave me alone (but don't go away)

Life Interrupted

It wasn't that long ago when my life was going so well. I looked forward to each day. I looked even further into the future and was excited to see it unfold. I was comfortable with my place in the universe. I felt complete. I was ready to grow old (well, older).

But not anymore. My life has been shattered. I am in pieces.

I dread tomorrow, as well as the rest of this day. Each moment is filled with doubt, loneliness, and emotional pain. I fear my future, because it is now uncertain. I can no longer find my place in the universe. I'm terrified to grow old. I struggle to find a reason to keep going. I question what I have done with my life so far and question even more why I should continue.

I'm being devoured by the world around me.

But every one in while, even when I feel I can bear no more, there is a spark. A small jolt where I forget about my life, forget about the universe, forget about everything. And for that split second of time, only now exists with no thoughts of anything else, not even a thought of now.

I laugh, I cry, I sit and stare - but it is certain, my life has been interrupted.

Who Am I?

I was conceived on or about Valentines Day, 1969.
I was born on a Saturday
I was born in the year of the Cock (some Chinese calendars say it's the year of the rooster, but the other is more descriptive)
I am a Scorpio in popular zodiac tradition.
I am a Snake, with my plant being the Thistle in the Native American zodiac.
I was born in the Egyptian month of Tyby, the first month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

My date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 Heshvan 5730.

My birthstone is Citrine, which helps connect with the Spirit, although Jewelers tell me it's Yellow Topaz so they can sell me stuff.

What? Huh?

Recent times have been disorienting.
Lots of things spinning around.
Confusion hits me at every turn.
...

Where was I?